This post is a piggyback off of social media post a made a couple weeks back. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about and don’t follow my other social media avenues, then here is the SparkNotes version for you. Life throws you some crazy curve balls and those curve balls can make you stray WAY off the path of your life plan. Let me expand off that and explain how our life plan has changed.
I hate making plans. Don’t get me wrong, I know sometimes they are necessary and help keep order. But I just simply hate plans. (Ask my husband) In some cases, I think having a plan can actually cause more stress and complications. When I am confined to an extremely rigid schedule, and when something happens to change that plan (like it does majority of the time), then it just creates added stress and extreme annoyance. And if you’re a person who always has their plans work out for them the way you originally planned it, send me some of your magic potion please! Id’ be very grateful. So, I’ve started trying my best to live life in the moment, making plans only as necessary but embracing the unexpected changes as they come.
I think part of the reason why I hate making plans is because I hold some minor regret for some of the decisions I’ve made in the past. As a kid, we are told we go to school, graduate, apply for the best college, get a degree then get a job in that field. Mine didn’t really work out that way. I did graduate from high school and toured a few colleges but must admit, didn’t really do much research. I started at Ohio University, planning to get a degree in interior design. In a few short weeks, changed it to Early Childhood Education. After the first quarter, I decided I didn’t want to go to OU anymore and transferred to Capital University (a private school… WHAT was a I thinking) and changed my degree AGAIN to Art Education. After I graduated from college, I struggled to pass the test for my teaching license. (I took it FIVE TIMES, I’m an awful test taker.) Later as an adult, I experienced some more regret when it came to the plans and decisions I made regarding college and my jobs. I was left with a ton of debt and a low paying teaching job… (don’t even get me started on how sad it is to be a teacher nowadays) I just always felt like the plans I made were never “right” plans. So, it made me hate making plans more. Can’t mess plans up if you don’t have any! ha!
I hate that in our society we are so driven by regime and schedules. Full schedules make us feel like we are accomplishing more. And the more we accomplish makes us feel like we are worth more. In turn, our self worth starts to become driven by all of the things we can accomplish and check off of a list in a day, week, month and so forth. When we don’t get those things done we are hard on ourselves and start to think less of ourselves. Which is so sad! We are so much more than the things we can accomplish. Too bad society doesn’t find it socially acceptable to measure my “accomplishments” by the number of Netflix shows I’ve binge watched… But we continue to make more and more plans, adding more things to our lists and events to our calendars. Sometimes, you just gotta let it all go and have some time for YOU.
So, when it came to planning for a family, Danny and I were VERY lucky. I am very aware how blessed we were to get pregnant right away. I’ve heard the stories of peoples struggles with infertility and the grueling pain and toll it takes on a person and family, watched my loved ones go through multiple miscarriages and very cognizant of how most people cannot conceive right away. We planned to start a family at the beginning of 2017 (specifically in April after our friends, Peish and Drew’s, wedding) and were shocked when I took a pregnancy test in May and it was POSITIVE. Like, what!? I even said out loud, “It was NOT supposed to happen that fast! I am not ready for this!!” So, when this did happen we were very grateful for what we had been given, knowing very well it’s not that easy for everyone. (If that is you, I commend you for your efforts and strength in your journey. You are a Rockstar.) But we were also scared shitless. (pardon my french, no better way to say it.
I just saw this on FB and had to share. Great read for those who are fighting the infertility battle. You are NOT alone.
I had “planned” to go back to being a full time teacher after Kai was born, making art in my free time on the side. Although, I had always dreamed of being a full time artist, it just wasn’t the plan. Once again, our plans changed. But I couldn’t be more thankful for that now. We had our perfectly different son, who needed special care and it no longer made sense for me to go back to work again as a full time teacher. Even if it did cost me thousands of dollars to get that degree, several tests to get that license, several years to actually get that full time job in the education field to gain some experience and four years as a teacher to complete and pass my “residency” to get that permanent teaching license, all to quit. A new plan was made and that involved me staying home with Kai and not returning to the classroom as a teacher. But in that time of uncertainty and fear of straying from the original plan, there was excitement and hope. Excitement of finally getting to be that full time artist I had truly only dreamed of and anxiously debated if I was even good enough to be. Hope that even in the midst of going from a two person income family to one, that God would provide for us. But most importantly, thankfulness. Thankful that I even had options, that so many don’t even get the chance to choose.
That’s briefly how my new full time art company, KAI: Kreating Art Intentionally (named after our son), was formed. The new plan. A new adventure. I’m so glad you’re a part of our journey!
Remember, it’s okay to be “unfine”.